Sound Checks
by Casix Thistlebane
Summary: A series of disconnected stories made up entirely of dialogue and sound effects, starting somewhere around the end of second season.....
1. "Duck!"

title: "Duck!"  
  
author: Casix Thistlebane  
  
  
  
Author's note: this story is the first in a new  
  
series, called the  
  
sound checks. They are stories made up entirely of  
  
dialog and sound  
  
effects.  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own these guys, never have, never  
  
will. I also am not  
  
making any money. Oh yeah, I wrote this at 1:30 in  
  
the morning, so it  
  
may be a little.... odd.  
  
  
  
"Duck!"  
  
by Casix Thistlebane  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
  
*THUNK*  
  
  
  
"Gaooooowwwwww!!"  
  
  
  
"I said, æDuck,'"  
  
  
  
"I didn't think you meant it LITERALLY!"  
  
  
  
"Quack."  
  
  
  
"Giles, what kind of insane force of evil is this?"  
  
  
  
"I'm afraid, Willow--"  
  
  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
  
  
"Quack!"  
  
  
  
"--That I don't know."  
  
  
  
"I think that thing bit my nose off!"  
  
  
  
"Oh, quit whining, Xander, it's just a duck."  
  
  
  
"It bit your nose off?"  
  
  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
  
  
"Quack?"  
  
  
  
"Almost."  
  
  
  
"But your nose is still attached to your face?"  
  
  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
  
  
"Honk!"  
  
  
  
"Yes, barely."  
  
  
  
"Good. Cause if it got out that I was dating a boy  
  
with no nose--"  
  
  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
  
  
"MOOO!"  
  
  
  
"Was that a COW?!"  
  
  
  
"How the hell are we supposed to fight this thing?"  
  
  
  
"Haven't the foggiest."  
  
  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
  
  
"Honk!"  
  
  
  
"Oh good, they're back to the ducks."  
  
  
  
"Actually, that was a goose."  
  
  
  
*FWAP*  
  
  
  
*THUNK*  
  
  
  
"Bacaw!"  
  
  
  
"Um guys? Cordy was just taken out by a rooster."  
  
  
  
"Right. Perhaps we ought to, uh, take cover."  
  
  
  
"Brilliant, Sherlock, how do you do it?"  
  
  
  
"Shut up, Xander. The only question is, where?"  
  
  
  
*CREEEE-THUMP. CRASH*  
  
  
  
"There. Insta-barrier."  
  
  
  
"My computer!"  
  
  
  
"Sorry Will, casualty of war. Now come on, everyone  
  
behind the table!"  
  
  
  
*CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP*  
  
  
  
"Now what?"  
  
  
  
"Someone will have to go over there and figure out  
  
who... or what... our  
  
enemy is."  
  
  
  
"Right. I'll go."  
  
  
  
"Why should you go?"  
  
  
  
"Well, I already demonstrated my skills on yonder  
  
table. And besides,  
  
I'm the only guy here."  
  
  
  
"Achem."  
  
  
  
"Oh, come on, Giles, you're old."  
  
  
  
*WHAP!*  
  
  
  
"Ow! What?"  
  
  
  
"Never mind. I'm going."  
  
  
  
"You most certainly are not. As the eldest and most  
  
experienced, it is  
  
I who must--Xander, get back here!"  
  
  
  
"Too late! Cover me!"  
  
  
  
"With what?"  
  
  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
  
  
"Squee!"  
  
  
  
"Oh, I don't know, that pig might do the trick."  
  
  
  
"He's right. We should start throwing some of the  
  
livestock back."  
  
  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
  
  
"Quack!"  
  
  
  
"Moo?"  
  
  
  
"Willow, could you help me with this calf?!"  
  
  
  
"Hold on."  
  
  
  
*FWOOSH*  
  
  
  
"Bacaw!"  
  
  
  
"Okay, now I can help you."  
  
  
  
"Xander, look out!"  
  
  
  
*FWABAP*  
  
  
  
"Squack!"  
  
  
  
"Ow!"  
  
  
  
"Aren't those extinct?"  
  
  
  
"Not anymore,"  
  
  
  
"Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh--"  
  
  
  
*THUDONK*  
  
  
  
"Ooooooo,"  
  
  
  
"All's clear guys, I got the animal tosser!"  
  
  
  
"Good job, Xander, who is it?"  
  
  
  
"It's-- Hey, where'd he go?"  
  
  
  
"I though you had him!"  
  
  
  
"So did I."  
  
  
  
"The animals are gone too."  
  
  
  
"How odd. Now, as I was saying...."  
  
  
  
The End?  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  



	2. Out of Order

title: Out of Order  
author: Casix Thistlebane  
  
Disclaimer: These guys aren't mine. I'm making no  
money off of this.  
That is all  
  
Author's note: Story number two in the "Sound Checks"  
series.  
  
Out of Order  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"Oh my God, Xander, are you okay? Say something!"  
  
"Um, ow?"  
  
"Oh thank God, I thought you were dead,"  
  
"I am, and I've gone to heaven...."  
  
"What? ACK!!! You sonofa--"  
  
*WHACK*  
  
"Ow! Cordy, what'd you do that for?"  
  
"You were staring at my.... Oh, people are  
staring...."  
  
"Good, there'll be plenty of witnesses when I file for  
spouse abuse."  
  
"Xander, we're not married."  
  
"Oh shut up."  
  
"What happened anyway?"  
  
"I dunno. I was thirsty, so I went to get a drink  
from the soda  
machine, and whap."  
  
"And whap?"  
  
"Something must of hit me."  
  
"And WHAP?! What kind of an explanation is that?"  
  
"I TOLD you.... Um, maybe we should discuss this  
elsewhere...."  
  
"What? Oh yeah, the people...."  
  
*CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP SCREE-WHUBUM*  
  
"Okay, we're elsewhere?"  
  
"The hallway?"  
  
"You prefer the lunch room?"  
  
"No, but considering what usually happens when we  
fight..."  
  
"Oh forget that. Back onto the topic at hand. What  
the hell happened  
in there?"  
  
"I told you, I went to get a soda--"  
  
"And whap. Yes, I know, but what does 'and whap'  
mean?!"  
  
"It hit me! Or zapped me or something. Next thing I  
know, you're  
kneeling over me, acting like you were the heroine in  
some really bad  
melodrama."  
  
"Well, my boyfriend had just collapsed for some  
unknown reason. I think  
that I have the right to--"  
  
"Who collapsed?!"  
  
"I did. The soda machine zapped me."  
  
"The soda machine?"  
  
"That's what I said!"  
  
"No it wasn't, you were too busy complaining about  
that 'and whap'  
business?"  
  
"'And...' Never mind, I don't want to know. Now what  
exactly  
happened?"  
  
"Here we go again..."  
  
"Shut up, Cordy. You see, Will, I was just trying to  
get myself a soda,  
and when I touched the machine, it zapped me! I think  
it might be  
possessed or something!"  
  
"Yeah, it's not at all possible that the thing just  
had some loose  
wiring...."  
  
"Hey, whatever happened to worrying over your  
boyfriend?"  
  
"It died the second I realized that you were staring  
at my breasts."  
  
"Oh. Yeah, I guess that would do it."  
  
"Look, no matter what the reason, the soda machine  
still... um... did  
SOMETHING to Xander, so I think we should tell the  
janitor."  
  
"And what if he can't find anything wrong with it?"  
  
"We tell Giles."  
  
"Right. Good plan. Let's go."  
  
*BZZZZZZT KER-THUNK*  
  
"Auggghhhhhhhhhh!"  
  
"And quickly, I think that thing just claimed another  
victim."  
  
"Right."  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"Shorry kidsh, I don't shee anything wrong on the  
inshide,"  
  
"Then what do you think might be causing the  
electrocutions?"  
  
"T'ain't nothing on the inshide, I can guarantee ya  
that."  
  
"But we've got to do something, otherwise, every kid  
in the  
shch--er--school will go thirsty!"  
  
"Either that, Xander, or they can just bring their own  
sodas."  
  
"Well, shinsh it'ain't nothin' on the inshide, well  
then, maybe it'sh  
shomething on the outshide."  
  
"Gee, and I thought Giles was smart...."  
  
*WHACK*  
  
"Hey, hey, Cordy, enough with the purse already!"  
  
"Nope, nothin' on the front.... Wait a shecond,  
what'sh thish?"  
  
*FZZT*  
  
"Ooh yeah, that'sh what I t'ought it wash, alright,"  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"Well Willow, it'sh a bug zapper."  
  
"A bug zapper? Why would anyone put a bug zapper on  
the soda machine?"  
  
"Not too mention where...."  
  
"Well, 'shnot a real bug zapper, you shee, it'sh short  
of a forsh field,  
around the buttonsh. Hash the shame"  
  
*FZZT*  
  
"Effect ash a bug zapper though. Jusht a little  
shtronger."  
  
"I wonder who put it there."  
  
"The machine, probably."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"The machine. I've sheen thish before, a couple  
timesh. After a long  
time of ushe, you shee, the machine getsh tired of  
giving away all of  
itsh shodash. Sho it putsh thish short of protection  
up, to dishcourage  
foragersh and the like."  
  
"Can you get rid of it?"  
  
"Nope, nope, only thing for it ish to get a whole new  
machine."  
  
"How long will that take?"  
  
"Not long, jusht a few daysh."  
  
"Oh. Good."  
  
"Of courshe, what with that new prinshiple and all,  
the paper work will  
take forever. The new machine should be up and  
running in a couple of  
monthsh."  
  
"Noooooooooo..."  
  
*THUNK*  
  
"Xander?"  
  
The End  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	3. Fnord!

Disclaimer: The characters herein are not mine, nor  
will they ever be. I'm not making any money off of  
this.  
  
Additional disclaimer: The word "FNORD" belongs to  
Steve Jackson Games Incorporated and the Illuminati  
(who don't REALLY exist, but better give them credit  
anyway ... just in case.)  
  
Author's note: Another soundcheck story  
  
Additional author's note: This story was inspired by  
the oft deranged (no offence meant) Dalton Spence.   
Blame him. ;D  
  
Additional additional note: There will be no more  
notes or disclaimers, you can finally get to the story  
now.  
  
"FNORD!!"  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"Fnord?"  
  
*KERPOW!*  
  
"Aaaaauuuuugggggghhhhhh!"  
  
"Oh my god, what do we do?!"  
  
"Go get Buffy!"  
  
"Right!"  
  
*CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP*  
  
"Wrong! Buffy's not here."  
  
"Then go get Giles!"  
  
"FNORD!!!!"  
  
*KERBOOM!!*  
  
"Okay!"  
  
*CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP*  
  
"Giles!"  
  
*GASP, PANT*  
  
"Willow! What on Earth?!"  
  
"Cafeteria.... *gasp*.... trouble.... *weeze*....  
Fnord!"  
  
"Fnord?"  
  
"KABOOM!"  
  
"I, uh, see. Let's go."  
  
*CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP*  
  
"Giles! Great! Go kill it!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"It! Kill! Do your watcher type duty!"  
  
"Acutally, Cordelia, my duties as a Watcher do not  
include killing--"  
  
"FNORD!!!!!"  
  
*KABAM!!!!"  
  
"Then do your duty as a librarian!"  
  
"A librarian certainly wouldn't--"  
  
"WE DON'T CARE!! JUST KILL IT!!!!"  
  
"I don't even know what IT is!"  
  
"FNORD!!!"  
  
"KRAKAKOOOM!!!!!!"  
  
"Hey Fnord!"  
  
*WOOSH! KERTHUNK!*  
  
"FNORD?"  
  
"Xander, that was one of my more valuable tomes--"  
  
"FNORD!!!!!"  
  
"Yeah, well I think it just REALLY pissed it off."  
  
*BOMPF!!"  
  
"Maybe we should taunt it."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Well, when we pissed it off, the power of it's attack  
decreaced."  
  
"Good observation Willow!"  
  
"HEY KNOBBY NOSE! YOU MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER!"  
  
"YEAH, AND SHE HAS TERRIBLE TASTE IN CLOTHES!"  
  
"FFFFNNNNOOOORRRRDDDDD!"  
  
*KABOOM, CRASH, TINKLE, WHAM, BOOM*  
  
"Okay, so maybe that wasn't what happened."  
  
"It must have something to do with the dice."  
  
"Now is not the time to think about board games,  
Will."  
  
"I'm not. Xander, you remember when we used to play  
those role playing games?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Well, he's holding three six sided dice, and  
everytime he rolls them, something blows up."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So obviously, this guy was playing a role playing  
game and turned into a demonic character!"  
  
"Oh!.... So what does that tell us?"  
  
"THAT WE NEED TO GET THE DICE AWAY FROM HIM!!!!"  
  
"Oh. Oh yeah! Hey, maybe I can get him to throw them  
at me! YO, FNORD! YOU'RE NOT SO TOUGH! C'MON, GIMME  
YOUR BEST SHOT!"  
  
*RATTLE, RATTLE*  
  
"FNORD!!!!"  
  
*KIBOOOOOOM!"  
  
"Ack!"  
  
"Xander!"  
  
"Okay, taunting the monster is definitely NOT a good  
idea! Now what?!"  
  
"Let's attack it!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Well, if we attack it, it can't blow us up, because  
if it did, it would just blow itself up. So we  
should, like, try and get as close to it as we  
possibly can, right?"  
  
"Cordy, that was amazing!"  
  
"Really? Wow, I just came up with a plan!"  
  
"And you can congratulate yourself later. Let's get  
it!"  
  
"Hollenzolleren!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Sorry, I've just always wanted to use that as a war  
cry."  
  
"Right. Whatever."  
  
"FNORD!"  
  
"Look out, it's gonna roll!"  
  
*RATTLE RATTLE*  
  
"HIT THE DECK!"  
  
"Aw, fnord."  
  
*POP*  
  
"Pop?"  
  
"Hey, where'd it go?"  
  
"It just.... disappeared. Extraordinary."  
  
"Hey, look at the dice."  
  
"Hmm. Six.... six... six. The number of the beast.   
It must have been called back to it's master."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Right. Well, now that that disaster has been  
averted, I can get back to my books.... Where's the  
one that Mr. Harris so recklessly hurled at the  
thing?"  
  
"I think it disappeared when the monster did."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
*THUNK*  
  
"Giles?"  
  
The End  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	4. Senior Pictures

Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine, nor will  
they ever be. I'm not making any money off of this.  
  
Author's Note: This is another Sound Check.  
  
Senior Pictures  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/  
  
"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"  
  
"Willow!"  
  
"Buffy! You're back!"  
  
"I'm back!... I've BEEN back."  
  
"I know, I'm just still excited! Did you get your  
pictures?"  
  
"Yeah, did you?"  
  
"Mm-hmm."  
  
"How do they look?"  
  
"I don't know, I'm afraid to open them. I mean,  
they're the last pictures we're EVER going to take in  
high school! What if they suck?"  
  
"I know what you mean. I haven't opened mine either.   
Let's open them together."  
  
"Okay, but we have to wait for Xander. Oh, here he  
comes!"  
  
*CLOMP CLOMP*  
  
*TAP.... TAP.... TAPTAPTAPTAPTAP*  
  
"Hurry up!"  
  
"Geez, impatient much?"  
  
"Oh hi Cordy. Have you guys opened your pictures  
yet?"  
  
"Pictures?"  
  
"Yeah Xander, you know, those things that they take  
with a camera and put into the yearbook,"  
  
"Very funny. And no, I haven't opened them yet.   
Why?"  
  
"Well, let's open them now!"  
  
"You first Buff."  
  
"Me? Why me?"  
  
"Because, your the Chosen One. As in, chosen to open  
your pictures first!"  
  
"Why don't we all open them at the same time?"  
  
"Good idea, Wills. Okay, on three. One...."  
  
"Wait, is that ON three, or just AFTER three?"  
  
"Xander...."  
  
"Okay, okay, I'll shut up now."  
  
"Alright. One.... Two.... THREE!"  
  
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*  
  
*RIII-III-IIIP*  
  
*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*  
  
*SHRED*  
  
"Xander, be more careful."  
  
"What is this, nag Xander day?"  
  
"Who cares? Let's just see the pictures! Ooh, Will,  
that's a GOOD one!"  
  
"Let me see! WOAH! Wills, you look GREAT!"  
  
"Gee Xander, don't sound so surprised."  
  
"Let's see yours, Buffy,"  
  
"Okay.... Wait a minute...."  
  
"I think it's a little over exposed."  
  
"Over exposed?! My features are totally blanked out!   
I demand a retake!"  
  
"Hmm, I think I'll take one with you Buff. Mine's all  
out of focus."  
  
"How come Willow got the only good pictures?"  
  
"Hey, Cordy, you've been pretty silent, how are your  
pictures?"  
  
"They're blank."  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"Let me see. No they're not, see, you can vaguely see  
an outline right here."  
  
"It's BLANK! That's it, what's the name of the  
company? I'm going to sue."  
  
"Here, it's on the brochure they sent with the  
pictures."  
  
*FLIP FLAP*  
  
"See, it says 'Thomas Studios: We capture your inner  
self.'"  
  
"Hey, wait a minute, do you suppose...."  
  
*......*  
  
"NAH!"  
  
The End  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	5. The Alphabet Game

Disclaimer: These guys aren't mine. They belong to a  
whole bunch of  
fairly rich people, not the least of which is Joss  
Whedon. So don't  
send me any money. For this, anyway. Should you  
decide to just  
randomly send me, say, $20, I wouldn't mind in the  
least.  
  
Author's note: Yep, yet another sound check.  
  
The Alphabet Game  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"Alright Giles, what's on for tonight?"  
  
"Buffy! I'm so glad you're here. I found this  
prophecy here, and thus  
far it says--"  
  
"Couldn't we just ignore it and take the night off?   
There's this really  
big party at the Bronze tonight, you see, and--"  
  
"'Death will ride upon the cloudy skies over covering  
the new moon.'  
That's tonight."  
  
"Egads, Giles, how do you do it?"  
  
"For christ's sake, Xander, shut up."  
  
"Gaooooow, Cordy, you hit me again, I'll tell everyone  
about how I went  
over to your house yesterday and you were wearing the  
same outfit you  
wore last week."  
  
"Hmph. Goes to show how much you know, that outfit  
was periwinkle, and  
last week's was powder blue."  
  
"If I can interrupt for a moment? We still have an  
evil prophesy to  
deal with,"  
  
"Just go ahead, Giles. Xander will keep quiet now,  
won't you Xander?"  
  
"'Kay. Let's hear what sort of demon is going to  
ravage Sunnydale this  
week."  
  
"Let me see, I've lost my place. Ah, yes, here we go:  
'Death will ride  
upon the cloudy skies over covering the new moon,  
bringing with him his  
mauve agents to--"  
  
"MAUVE?!"  
  
"No, Cordy, he said 'maroon'. You must have  
misheard."  
  
"Oh well. At least they'll stand out."  
  
"Please! They'll be utterly conspicuous! Mauve  
hasn't been in for at  
least three months!"  
  
"Quiet! All of you! There are more important matters  
to attend to at  
the moment than what color was more popular when!"  
  
"Right. Like where on earth Cordy managed to learn  
the phrase 'utterly  
conspicuous.'"  
  
"She probably heard it on Jerry Springer."  
  
"Tell me about it...."  
  
"Uh! I'm insulted! To think that I would watch such  
trash! I only  
watch Oprah."  
  
"Very nice, but Death will be riding in only a few  
hours...."  
  
"What? Oh, I thought you liked arguments. After all,  
yours and  
Xander's are usually rather exciting,"  
  
"Xander and Jerry Springer's guests are nothing  
alike."  
  
"Yeah! Cordy and I don't try to kill each other!"  
  
"ZEBRA'S WILL BE WALKING THE STREETS AND TRAMPLING  
INNOCENT  
VICTIMS!!!!!"  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Well, no, actually, I only said that to get your  
attention. Now if you  
all would PLEASE focus your attention upon the matter  
at hand, we have  
an apocalypse to avert!"  
  
"What, another one?"  
  
*Sigh*  
  
The End  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	6. Damn Monkeys

Disclaimer: These characters are not, and never will  
  
be mine. Alas. Anyway, don't send money.  
  
  
  
Author's Note: 'Nother Sound Check  
  
  
  
Damn Monkeys  
  
by Casix Thistlebane  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
  
"Ooh, funky monkeys."  
  
  
  
"What? Oh yes, those. A watcher in Florida sent them  
  
to me, said I might find them intrigueing. Apparently  
  
I'm supposed to send them on, but before I did that,  
  
something interesting would happen."  
  
  
  
"Interesting? I'm not sure I like the sound of that."  
  
  
  
"Nor am I. But I do feel I ought to trust a fellow  
  
Watcher."  
  
  
  
"We've gone wrong with that before."  
  
  
  
".... Yes, you're quite right. Perhaps we ought to  
  
get rid of them."  
  
  
  
"Good deal. Trash can?"  
  
  
  
*Thunk.*  
  
  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
  
"Xander!"  
  
  
  
"Hey Will, how are things in your part of  
  
Depressionville?"  
  
  
  
"Bad. Oz still isn't talking to me."  
  
  
  
"Yeah Cordelia's been realleaghhmmmb...."  
  
  
  
"What?"  
  
  
  
"...!"  
  
  
  
"What?!"  
  
  
  
"So I told him that outfit is WAY eighties,"  
  
  
  
"Xander! What did you say?!"  
  
  
  
"Oh for godssake, he's standing right next to you!"  
  
  
  
"....!"  
  
  
  
"What?!!!"  
  
  
  
"I said--I can't see! Again!!"  
  
  
  
"WHAT?!! Xander, what's she--"  
  
  
  
*YANK*  
  
  
  
"Hey!"  
  
  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
  
"Well, that takes care of--"  
  
  
  
*SLAM*  
  
  
  
"Giles! We have a problem."  
  
  
  
"And this is new... how?"  
  
  
  
"Cordelia, Willow, Xander, what seems to be the  
  
trouble?"  
  
  
  
"What?!"  
  
  
  
*FWIP, SCRIBBLE, SCRIBBLE, THWAP.*  
  
  
  
"Wow, Xander knows how to write."  
  
  
  
"...."  
  
  
  
"Oh. Oh dear...."  
  
  
  
"What's it say, Giles?"  
  
  
  
"Well, it's says, er, that is.... Oh I'll just read  
  
from it directly: 'Willow can't hear, I can't talk,  
  
and Cordy can't see.'"  
  
  
  
"Oh."  
  
  
  
"What?!"  
  
  
  
"Willow, do be quiet?"  
  
  
  
"WHAT?!!!"  
  
  
  
*SHUFFLE, SCRIBBLE*  
  
  
  
"Oh. Sorry. Thanks, Xander."  
  
  
  
"Er, yes, Xander, perhaps you'd better transcribe the  
  
situation for Willow."  
  
  
  
"...."  
  
  
  
"Now, it would seem to follow very closely with... oh  
  
dear."  
  
  
  
"Ooo, two oh dears in almost rapid succession. It  
  
must be big."  
  
  
  
"It's the, uh, monkeys."  
  
  
  
"The monkeys?"  
  
  
  
"...?"  
  
  
  
*Scribble*  
  
  
  
"Monkeys?!"  
  
  
  
"Er, yes. Monkeys. You know, er, see no evil, hear  
  
no evil, speak no evil?"  
  
  
  
*THUNK, THUNK, THUNK, THUNK...*  
  
  
  
"Wait, are you trying to tell me that those monkeys we  
  
threw out were...."  
  
  
  
"Er, yes."  
  
  
  
*THUNK, THUNK, THUNK, THUNK...*  
  
  
  
"Is this the something interesting?!"  
  
  
  
"I, uh, have the note, I'll go check."  
  
  
  
*THUNK, THUNK, THUNK, THUNK...*  
  
  
  
"Xander, stop banging your head against the wall!"  
  
  
  
*THUD*  
  
  
  
"...."  
  
  
  
"Anyway, I'll go find the note that accompanied the...  
  
er... sculptures."  
  
  
  
*RUFFLE, RUFFLE, RUFFLE.*  
  
  
  
"Ah yes, here it is.... Oh my."  
  
  
  
"Whatcha got, G-man?"  
  
  
  
"Buffy, I don't like it when Xander calls me that, and  
  
I most certainly don't want you to do so."  
  
  
  
"Sorry, but there was just this mad gap in the  
  
conversation that was screaming to be filled."  
  
  
  
"Who cares?! Just fix us!"  
  
  
  
"Oh if only..."  
  
  
  
"Quiet Buffy. It would seem that I misread the note.   
  
It says I should pass them on, or else something  
  
interesting will happen."  
  
  
  
"In other words, it's a chain letter."  
  
  
  
"Well, yes."  
  
  
  
"So send the damn things on already! God, am I the  
  
only one here with any kind of sense?!"  
  
  
  
"What? Xander, write faster!"  
  
  
  
"...!"  
  
  
  
"Will all of you please quiet down? Now as far as I  
  
can see, we have two options: we can either pass on  
  
the statue, or destroy it."  
  
  
  
"I'm all for destroying it."  
  
  
  
*SCRIBBLE, SCRIBBLE*  
  
  
  
"What's he say?"  
  
  
  
"He wants to use power tools."  
  
  
  
"I'm with them. I wouldn't wish this fate on anyone!   
  
Well, almost no one. God, I can't even look at myself  
  
in a mirror!"  
  
  
  
"Right then. Buffy, go get my sledge hammer."  
  
  
  
"No prob."  
  
  
  
*FWATHONK, CRUNCH.*  
  
  
  
"I can see!"  
  
  
  
*FWATHWACK, CRACK.*  
  
  
  
"I can hear!"  
  
  
  
*FWATHUNK.*  
  
  
  
"...! ....?"  
  
  
  
"We're working on it, but this last monkey doesn't  
  
want to go!"  
  
  
  
*YANK*  
  
  
  
"Xander, what--?"  
  
  
  
*FWACRUNCH.*  
  
  
  
"Oh."  
  
  
  
"There. Much better. Never much liked chain letters  
  
anyway. Anyone got any Ho- Ho's?..."  
  
  
  
"Thank God, everything's back to normal."  
  
  
  
"...'cause I'm starving!"  
  
  
  
"I hate you people!"  
  
  
  
*CLOMP, CLOMP, SLAM!*  
  
  
  
"Cordy!"  
  
  
  
"Well, almost."  
  
  
  
The End  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  



	7. The Destroyer

Disclaimer: The Buffy characters aren't mine.   
Norbertamandar is. Jesus is... well... my own  
interpretation of something that doesn't belong to  
anybody.  
  
Author's note; sound check  
  
The Destroyer  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"AleXander LaVelle Harris, I have come for you!"   
  
"And you are?"   
  
"Norbertamandar the Destroyer! You shall come  
with me."   
  
"What?! Why?"   
  
"You're mother sold you to me."   
  
"When?!"   
  
"Late seventies. She got mixed in with a bad  
crowd. Now, come along..."   
  
"No."   
  
"No?"   
  
"No. I'm not going."   
  
"You're...gha...you...haha...oh  
boy...AHAHAHAHAHAH!"   
  
"What's so funny?"   
  
"I just find it amusing that you seem to think  
you have a choice."   
  
"Oh...um...can I have a few minutes to say good  
bye to people?"   
  
"No. Now let's--Let go of the table!"   
  
"No! Never! Help! Buffy! Giles!"   
  
"Oh, geez, shut up, would you?"   
  
"HELP!"   
  
"Oh, now you had to go and make a scene, huh? I'm  
so embarrassed..."   
  
"What'd you expect me to do? Come quietly?!"   
  
"No, I suppose that would be too much to  
ask...Why is it you mortals always resist  
me? For all you know, my home is a veritable  
garden of delights!"   
  
"Is it?"   
  
"Well, I've never gotten any complaints..."   
  
"HEEEEEEEEEELP!"   
  
"Oh, don't do that! Cut it out! You're going  
to--"   
  
"What seems to be the trouble here?"   
  
"Jesus!"   
  
"Precisely."   
  
"There, do you see? You had to go and scream,"   
  
"Jesus, you've got to help me! He's trying to  
take me against my will!"   
  
"He does, does he? Hmm...Do I know you?"   
  
"I am Norbertamandar the Destroyer. And his  
mother sold him to me."   
  
"Ah. You see, your mother sold you to him--now  
wait a minute, I'm not sure that's  
entirely kosher!"   
  
"Maximillian the Conqueror does it all the time."  
  
  
"Yes, well, he has special permission. I don't  
think you're on the list."   
  
"I'm certain I am. Check again."   
  
"What as that name again?"   
  
"Norbertamandar. That's with three A's."   
  
FWIP, FWIP, FWIP   
  
"Nope, I'm sorry, you're not on here. When did  
you turn in your request?"   
  
"Nearly three centuries back."   
  
"Well, there you go. It's probably still in  
processing. These things take time, you  
realize. Well, Norby--do you mind if I call you  
Norby? I can let you off on just this  
once, but until you hear a reply from us, please  
don't buy off any more souls, would  
you?"   
  
"Now, wait a minute! What about me?"   
  
"Hmm?"   
  
"I don't wanna go! Is there anyway to get out of  
this?"   
  
"Well, I suppose your mother could buy you  
back..."   
  
"How would she do that?"   
  
"Well, that's really between her and Norby here,  
but generally, your mother would  
have to give him back what he paid for you."   
  
"Shouldn't be too hard. What was the payment,  
Norb?"   
  
"A large color television, and a lifetime supply  
of Chinese take-out."   
  
"I'm doomed!"   
  
"Yes, now come along."   
  
"See ya, kid!"   
  
"Hey! No, wait! BUUUUUUUUUFFY!"   
  
"Xander! Xander, honey, wake up!"   
  
"Mom?"   
  
"You were having a nightmare, Xander."   
  
"Oh, God, it was terrible! This demon guy, he  
wanted to take me away, but then  
Jesus came to stop him, but they ended up doing  
all this beurocratic stuff and...it  
was a dream. Just a dream. I'm never eating chili  
pepper and cheddar pizza before  
bedtime again."   
  
"I'm glad...Look honey, there's something I've  
been meaning to tell you..."   
  
"Whaaat?"   
  
"You see, I got mixed up in a bad crowd, back in  
the seventies and, well...have you  
ever wondered where all that Chinese Take-Out  
comes from?"   
  
"BUUUUUUUUUUFFY!"  
  
the end  
  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	8. Plotholes and Pizza Boxes

Disclaimer: None of these guys are mine, so I don't  
deserve any money. (sigh)  
  
Oh yeah, this would be another sound check.  
  
Plotholes and Pizza Boxes  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"Remind me again what we're doing here?"  
  
"It's called a stake out, Cordelia. You know, you  
find a place where you think the bad guy is going to  
be, and you wait there until they show up."  
  
"But we've BEEN waiting here for a REALLY LONG TIME!"  
  
"Um, actually, we've only been here for twenty  
minutes. This could take hours."  
  
"Thank you Guitar Boy, you've made me feel so much  
better about this situation."  
  
"That's what I'm here for."  
  
"Pizza!"  
  
"Oh thank God. Xander, you're a saint!"  
  
"Gee, Buff, do you think you could say that again?   
Like, sometime when I have a tape recorder on hand?   
That's definitely a moment for posterity. And you  
know, posterity is a--ACK!"  
  
*THUMP*  
  
"Sit down and eat your pizza."  
  
"Yes'm."  
  
"So. Do you really think the vampires are going to  
show up tonight?"  
  
"Well, Billy the Snitch said that they'd be at the  
warehouse at around midnight,"  
  
"How do we know that this is where they're going to  
be?"  
  
"What do you mean, Will?"  
  
"Well, there are just so MANY warehouses around here,  
who's to say that this one is the one where they're  
going to be? I mean, it doesn't look like anyone's  
been in there for... like... years."  
  
"Yes it does. It has a cage in it."  
  
"That was probably left there by the original owners  
of the place."  
  
"Gah gim ba bifnif moob meeb a cayp im a mahwmouf  
ammay?"  
  
"Okay, try that again, only this time SWALLOW first."  
  
*GULP*  
  
"What kind of business would need a cage in a  
warehouse anyway?"  
  
*...*  
  
"You know, that's actually a really good question."  
  
"Hey, yeah. Come to think of it, there are a lot of  
things that don't make much sense! Like, Oz's van!"  
  
"What's wrong with my van?"  
  
"Well, first, it was well, zebra colored. And you  
drove from the wrong side of the car. But then, all  
of the sudden, when we went to the army base, it was  
green, and you, uh, drove it right."  
  
"Huh. You know, I never noticed that before."  
  
"And, why is it that we all dress weird?"  
  
"It's called fashion, Willow."  
  
"No. I mean, yeah, but... no. Think about it. On  
the exact same kind of night, you and Cordelia could  
be wearing those really tiny tank top things you like,  
and be fine, but then Xander is wearing a bunch of  
really big shirts, and a coat and everything?"  
  
"Yeah! And why is it when you dust a vampire, it's  
clothes turn to dust too?"  
  
"Well, they're touching it and--"  
  
"Yeah, but YOU'RE touching it too half the time, and  
you've never turned to dust. So shouldn't there be,  
like, a massive excess of clothing lying around?"  
  
"And how come all the gravestones in the graveyard  
look all fresh and stuff, even when there should be  
some that are hundreds of years old?"  
  
"Hey, don't ask me, it's not like I decide these  
things or anything! I'm just the Slayer!"  
  
"And a wonderful Slayer you are too, Buff. But the  
pizza is getting cold. Are you gonna eat that?"  
  
"Go for it."  
  
"Wait, now I'm confused. A whole bunch of little  
details in our lives are totally screwed up, but the  
rest of it makes sense... sort of."  
  
"Try not to think about it Cordy. You might strain  
something."  
  
"Shut up Xander. I mean, how am I supposed to make  
sense of all this?"  
  
"Chalk it up to Hellmouth and forget we ever discussed  
it?"  
  
".... Actually, that's not such a bad idea."  
  
"Good. Now eat pizza."  
  
"But it's all greasey and... oh, all right."  
  
*CHEW, CHOMP (OTHER DISGUSTING EATING NOISES)*  
  
"So Xander, have you started on your bio homework  
yet?"  
  
"Didn't we already take biology?"  
  
*...*  
  
"Nevermind."  
  
The End  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	9. Wild Goose Chase

Disclaimer: Once again, these guys aren't mine.  
  
Wild Goose Chase  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"I've got it! I've got it!"  
  
"Xander! Watch out for that--"  
  
thunk  
  
"Gravestone.... That must have hurt."  
  
"Owwwwww....."  
  
"Honk!"  
  
"Quick it's getting away!"  
  
"SHE'S getting away."  
  
"Right, sorry."  
  
"Honk!"  
  
"Come here, bird!"  
  
"Xander, whatever you do, don't let  
it--her--whatever--bite you!"  
  
"Honk!"  
  
chomp  
  
"Owwwwwwww. Why do I always end up getting hurt on  
these things?"  
  
"Maybe she still harbors a grudge against you."  
  
"That's not funny, Buff."  
  
"Xander, are you quite all right?"  
  
"Yeah, Giles, no worries. I think I've calmed her  
down a bit. Come here, Cordy...."  
  
"Honk!"  
  
chomp  
  
"God— ow! Cut it out! She actually broke the skin on  
that one...."  
  
"Oh dear,"  
  
"Giles what's the matter?"  
  
"Grab Xander. Now."  
  
"What?"  
  
"No questions, just do it!"  
  
"Giles, what honk?"  
  
"Oh no,"  
  
"Honk!"  
  
"Cordy, you little honk! You honk honk!"  
  
"Giles, what's going on? What's happening?"  
  
"....Were-goose...."  
  
"Honk?!"  
  
"Xander, calm down!"  
  
"Honk!"  
  
"Let go of Cordy's neck!"  
  
"Honk, honk, HONK!"  
  
"Xander, cut it out already! You're going to hurt  
her!"  
  
"HONK!!!!!"  
  
"Gurgle...."  
  
"Some how Willow, I don't think he cares."  
  
"What are we going to do? Now we have to find TWO  
geese!"  
  
"Actually, that's the main difference between a  
were-goose and a were-wolf. The transformation of a  
were-goose is much more gradual. I'm actually rather  
surprised by how quickly it happened in Cordelia's  
case. Xander will most likely remain in human form  
for at least another hour, before reverting totally to  
goose. It makes sense, if you think about it. After  
all, the were-goose form, being much more similar to  
goose than human, is actually much more of a  
transformation than takes place for a were-wolf--"  
  
"Honk."  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"I think he says 'Shut up.'"  
  
"Honk."  
  
"Your welcome."  
  
"Honk?"  
  
"He wants to know how we reverse it."  
  
"That's amazing Willow. Has your wicca improved  
enough to allow you to communicate with-- "  
  
"No, Giles. I just know Xander that well."  
  
"Oh. Yes. Of course. Actually, er, Xander, you're  
in luck. Unlike the curse that invokes the were-wolf,  
there is a way to remove the were-goose geis.   
Unfortunately, we can, er...."  
  
"Honk?"  
  
"We can only perform it on one of you tonight. The  
other will have to remain a goose until tomorrow."  
  
sigh  
  
"Honk."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think he's telling you to do Cordelia first."  
  
"I see. Xander, are you quite certain--"  
  
"Honk."  
  
"Right then, back to the library."  
  
"He, he he, giggle!"  
  
"Honk?!"  
  
"You're, he he, starting to, um, he, look a bit....  
giggle.... feathery, there, Xander."  
  
"Honk."  
  
"Right. Shutting up."  
  
"Giggle....."  
  
The End  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
  
  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	10. Insomniacs Anonymous

Disclaimer: These guys still aren't mine.  
  
Author's note: sound check  
  
Insomniacs Anonymous  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
*Tap, tappitytappitytappitytappity.... tap. Tap.   
Tap*  
  
"Mmmmmpht."  
  
"It's just me Buffy, go back to bed."  
  
"Wxptttlsprtttttttx."  
  
*Tap, tappitytappitytappity--*  
  
"Mmphw?"  
  
"Yeah Buff?"  
  
"Wha mmr nu bffim?"  
  
"Just talking online with some friends."  
  
"Mfffy?"  
  
"I didn't catch that last one."  
  
"Mmmph. Why?"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"It's 5:00 in the morning, that's why."  
  
"Is it? Wow! Sorry, I'll try and keep it down."  
  
"Mmpht."  
  
*....*  
  
*.....*  
  
*...Tap. Tappitytappitytappitytappity  
taptaptaptaptapTAP!*  
  
"Mphxtttlw!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Willow, this is the third night this week!"  
  
"I don't mean to...."  
  
"Maybe you should see a doctor about it."  
  
"It's okay, Buffy. I've been doing this since I was  
thirteen. I'm used spending my nights online. And it  
does help for those all night emergencies...."  
  
"Will, you've got to sleep some time."  
  
"And I do! It's just sometimes I get excited about  
something, or worked up, and I can't sleep is all."  
  
"Okay, but I'VE got to sleep sometime!"  
  
"Right. Sorry. I'll be quieter."  
  
"Mmmmpht."  
  
*.....*  
  
*Tap..... tap.... tap... tap tap... tap tap tap....  
tappitytappitytappitytappity tap tap tap!*  
  
"MPHHHTTTTTTPTTTTBL!"  
  
*Whizzz, thunk*  
  
"What the... NyQuil? Buffy, I don't need."  
  
"Mppppt."  
  
"Geez."  
  
*....*  
  
*....*  
  
*tap--*  
  
*Whack! Crash snap sizzle sizzle.... pop whirr ding.*  
  
"My monitor!"  
  
"Whack! Sizzle...*  
  
"Alright, alright, I'm going to bed!"  
  
"Mmmpht."  
  
"Just let me read a couple--"  
  
*Whack! Pop, sizzle....*  
  
"Night Buffy,"  
  
"Mmm."  
  
*Snore....*  
  
*Whack!*  
  
The End  
  
Casix, who's really glad right now that her roommate  
doesn't get back till february....  
  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	11. Happy Drugs

Disclaimer; as usual, it's all Joss', the WB's, and  
Fox's. not mine.  
  
Author's note: a warning, some of this conversation  
comes almost verbatim from those I've had with  
friends.... especially the email I just got from one  
who thinks she broke her tailbone....  
  
  
Happy Drugs  
by Casix Thistlebane  
  
"Hey, watch it with those things!"  
  
"Shhhhh!"  
  
"It's not my fault you nearly brained me with those  
flowers!"  
  
"Xander...."  
  
"Sorry Willow. Is he awake?"  
  
"Giles?"  
  
"Mmmmmm?"  
  
"Hey Giles. How are you feeling?"  
  
"Good."  
  
"Good he says. He nearly breaks his ass off, and all  
he can say is 'good'."  
  
"Xander...."  
  
"Sorry again Willow,"  
  
"I got you some flowers Giles,"  
  
"Oh?"   
  
"Yeah, and she nearly ended up putting me in here next  
to you while she brought them in."  
  
"They're.... big."  
  
"I got the largest arrangement."  
  
"Pretty."  
  
"I'm sorry I broke you butt, Giles...."  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"You know, in the whole... battle... thing? I was  
aiming for the vampire next to you. I guess the board  
slipped."  
  
"Ssssss'okay."  
  
"Giles.... Are you sure you're okay?"  
  
"Coul'n' be better, Buffy."  
  
"Doesn't it HURT?!"  
  
"Xander!"  
  
"Hey, it's a valid question.... does it hurt?"  
  
"Mmmm hm."  
  
"You see, I told you it was valid. Giles,"  
  
"Hmmmm?"  
  
"Do you care?"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"The pain."  
  
"Xander, stop pestering him."  
  
"Shush, miss 'I'm going to bring him a lot of flowers  
because I feel bad about breaking his butt', I'm  
trying to assess here."  
  
"Xander, if you don't shut up, I'm going to break YOUR  
butt."  
  
"Don' do that."  
  
"Oh! Giles, I'm sorry, I didn't mean...."  
  
"The wold is happy, Buffy. Don't make it not happy."  
  
....  
  
"Did he just say what I think he just said?"  
  
"What, you mean about the world being happy?"  
  
"Shiny, happy people....."  
  
"Since when does Giles sing REM?"  
  
"Since they've put the G-man on happy drugs, that's  
when."  
  
"Xander!"  
  
"Didn't they give you happy drugs, G-man?"  
  
"Mmmm. Good drugs. That's a really nice shirt,  
Xander,"  
  
"Thanks!"  
  
"Look, Giles, maybe you should rest...."  
  
"It's G-man, Buffy."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"You know, that shirt used to just be a tiny seed,  
somewhere in Peru.... or Georgia?"  
  
"Did he just ASK to be called G-man?"  
  
"It's happy drugs, Buff, humor him."  
  
"I love the print. That's Hawaiian, isn't it? I want  
a Hawaiian shirt."  
  
"Wow, those really are some drugs."  
  
"Aren't they? I had to get some when I broke my  
collar bone in seventh grade. It's good stuff."  
  
"Buffy, you're hair looks really nice today."  
  
"Um, thanks, Giles."  
  
"I like what you did with the streaks."  
  
"Yeahhhhhh,"  
  
"I want my Hawaiian shirt to look just like Willow's  
flowers...."  
  
"Will do, G-Man."  
  
"And have rainbows."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"And streaks, like Buffy's hair."  
  
"Gotcha."  
  
"And--"  
  
"LOOK, Giles... G-man.... Ripper, whatever you wanna  
be called right now, we really need to get going and,  
um, study. Yeah."  
  
"I don't need to study..."  
  
"Come on, Xander,"  
  
"Oh come on, just let me get a tape recorder...."  
  
"Xander...."  
  
"Oh fine. Feel better, G-man!"  
  
"Bye Xander! Bye Willow! Bye Buffy! Isn't life  
amazing?"  
  
"Yes! Rest your butt, we'll be back when you're not  
quite as stoned!"  
  
*whump*  
  
....  
  
"They're such nice kids.... Stoned. Stoned, stoned,  
stoned. I like that word. Stoned. I feel shiny."  
  
The End  
  
  
=====  
Casix Thistlebane  
Exhalted Archivist of all things Ficapaloozian  
http://www.angelfire.com/yt/ficapalooza/  
  
"There are no happy endings, because nothing ever ends."  
--Schmendrick the Magician 


	12. Is This Thing On?

From: Casix Thistlebane thistlebane@yahoo.com   
  
title: Is This Thing On?  
author: Casix Thistlebane  
  
Disclaimer: BtVS, its concepts and characters, Blair  
Witch, and Dawson's Creek don't belong to me. and I'm  
not sure I want the latter two.  
  
summary: yet another sound check. read it to find  
out what's up in this one.  
  
Is This Thing On?  
by Casix Thistlebane  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
*bleep*  
  
*bleep*  
  
*bleep*  
  
*bleep*  
  
"Testing, testing... Hey Willow, say something for  
us!"  
  
"Xander, what are you doing?"  
  
"Eventually, making money. I hope."  
  
"Where'd you get that thing?"  
  
"You remember my Uncle Rory? The one with the car  
that I rented?"  
  
"He let you rent that car because he had too many  
DWIs. They don't hand out those for video cameras."  
  
"Yeah, but its really easy to convince someone that  
they do when they're drunk. Now come on, tell us what  
you're doing!"  
  
"Um, okay, I'm working on a spell. And its very  
complicated. And I need to CONCENTRATE."  
  
"That's all right Willow, just pretend the camera and  
I aren't even here."  
  
"Right."  
  
*rustle, rustle*  
  
"Oookay, now do something interesting."  
  
"Xannnderrrrr,"  
  
"Alright, alright, I know when I'm not wanted. Is  
Buffy on patrol?"  
  
"No, she's over at Giles'."  
  
"Right then. I'm off. Have fun."  
  
"Bye Xan--"  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
*bleep*  
  
*bleep*  
  
*bleep*  
  
*bleep*  
  
"--gure out how to get it to just turn on without the  
number thingies.... Oh, there it goes. Okay,  
everyone, this is Rupert Giles, Watcher extraordinare.  
Well, he used to be anyway. He used to work for  
these weird council guys who did all sorts of bad  
things to Buffy, that'd be the Slayer. But Giles  
didn't agree, so they fired him. But he didn't mind  
too much. Right Giles?"  
  
"What on Earth--would you kindly remove that thing  
from my face?"  
  
"Oops, sorry... zoom out..."  
  
"Yes, eh, quite. What are you doing, anyway?"  
  
"Ah. So glad you asked! Now would be the perfect  
time on the video to explain it's purpose... Just  
hold on a second..."  
  
*rattle, rustle, clunk, grunt*  
  
"Okay, hopefully I'm not pulling an Apology-Scene shot  
here, but anyway.... Hi! I'm Alexander Harris, and  
I'm going to be your host for the next...er... however  
long this video ends up being as I take you on an  
exciting trip through the world of the Vampire  
Slayer!.... That doesn't sound too trite, does it?"  
  
"Oh no, not at all."  
  
"Ooo, a rare treat for you folks, Giles is being  
sarcastic!"  
  
"Why, precisely, did you decide to take it upon  
yourself to make a... er... documentary about us?"  
  
"Indie films, Giles! They're the newest vogue of  
movies! No one cares about the big box office  
thrillers this season! They want the artsy stuff.   
And that means low budget. And this is about as low  
budget as they get, while still being exciting!"  
  
"Without traveling to Burketsville, Maryland, you  
mean?"  
  
"You wound me Giles! I have more imagination than  
that! Anyway, where's Buffy? I wanna catch the  
slayer in action!"  
  
"If you must know, I sent her out a few moments before  
you arrived. There's a very strange demon running  
amuck out there, and she has gone to... well..."  
  
"Slaying! Gotcha! I'll be off to find her then!"  
  
"Xander, do you really think that's wise? Xander--"  
  
/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\  
  
"--is button?"  
  
"No, this button right here! Wait, maybe it was that  
button. Is the light flashing?"  
  
"If I say no, can we go back to your place and have  
sex again?"  
  
"Anya, stay on task!"  
  
"Fine, yes, the light is blinking."  
  
"Good! Welcome back again! So far tonight we've met  
Willow Rosenberg, our resident witch, and Rupert  
Giles, the ex-watcher-know-it-all kinda guy. But now  
for the really exciting part of the film: the Slayer  
herself, Buffy Summers."  
  
"Anya, don't point that thing at me."  
  
"Anya, point that thing at Buffy. We gotta get this  
on tape."  
  
"Anya..."  
  
"Nice things, Anya! A new skirt!"  
  
"But my hair--"  
  
"--essed the wrong button!"  
  
"I thought that was the zoom!"  
  
"Let me use that thing....."  
  
*rattle, clunk*  
  
"Okay, sorry for that brief interruption there, but  
we're back, with the illustrious Buffy Summers, the  
Vampire Slayer."  
  
"You're not really going to try and sell this, are you  
Xander?"  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Well, for one thing, the world could do without  
another rip off of the Blair Witch Project."  
  
"PLEASE! This is SO above that!"  
  
"Oh, come off it, Xander, even Dawson's Creek did a  
Blair Witch ep!"  
  
"This ISN'T a Blair Witch takeoff!"  
  
"Did you knwo their making sequels to that movie?"  
  
"You see? I would NEVER sink that low!"  
  
"Fine! But my identity is supposed to be a secret!   
That's the whole point of a 'secret identity', that  
you don't go making a documentary about it!"  
  
"Right, like your identity is all that secret..."  
  
"Anya, shut up."  
  
"Really, Buffy, just because you're mom didn't figure  
it out for years..."  
  
"ANYA,"  
  
"And besides who would believe this thing anyway?"  
  
"AN--no, wait, that was part of my point. What she  
said, Buffy."  
  
"Xander, I really don't think--"  
  
*clomp, clomp*  
  
"--Get out of here!"  
  
"Oo! Vampires! This would work great in the  
documentary!"  
  
"Xander, get out of here!"  
  
"You heard the Slayer, Xander, let's go!"  
  
"But this is the chance of the lifetime."  
  
"Gee, it's too bad you'll have to pay for it with your  
life then!"  
  
"See folks, vampires think they're funny. But they're  
not."  
  
"You little twerp, I'm gonna snap you neck like a  
twig!"  
  
"And none to original, at that."  
  
"Get over here!"  
  
"Oh boy, time for some evasive action, Xander,"  
  
*Whack, thunk, shriek*  
  
"Hey, watch it!"  
  
*Bap, thud*  
  
"Hey, cut it out, this is expensive..."  
  
"Xander!"  
  
"You're going to break i--"  
  
The End  
  



End file.
